I have weird sleeping habits. I tend to wake up and start my days in the middle of the night, and go to sleep really early. Last night in a (failed) attempt to stay up past my normal bed time, I ended up watching a most peculiar documentary about an ex scientologist called Marty Rathbun at war with current scientologists. The “war” itself was pretty whacko, and involved stalking and getting in his face while wearing T-shirts with pictures of his head plonked onto a squirrel body on it.
Granted, I wasn’t at my most alert, but even so, I was amazed at what science fiction writers can accomplish if they set their minds to it, and with the aid of a little acid apparently.
This seems to be how it works if your moniker was Ron L Hubbard :
1. Write some cool sci-fi books and get to being famous. (I actually loved Battlefield Earth to be honest)
2. Decide to rule the Earth by starting a new religion.
3. Write Dianetics. Get a minion to offer this for free to unsuspecting teenager out shopping for boots (me), then get all agro with her until she “willingly donates” money to your cause.
4. Listen to (her) guardian angel and don’t look back and see her tossing said book into a bin, and giving you The Epic Finger of Doom.
5. Invite new members to Level 1 of your new church for a couple of grand.
6. Then to Level 2 for some more moola.
7. Insist on a lot of dosh for entry into the next hallowed level. Then share the most shocking truth about the human race. DRUMROLL!
This “truth” discovered by Ron L Hubbard, and obviously believed by thousands of people (who really should be peeing themselves laughing as they grab their money back and run out the door) is:-
Seventy five million years ago, Xenu, cruel ruler of the then Galactic Confederation of seventy six planets of which Earth (then known as Teegeeack) was one, decided to sort out his overpopulation problem by stacking millions of aliens around and about Earth’s volcanoes and blowing them up with hydrogen bombs. Then their souls (Thetans) hung around, and apparently now inhabit all humans, causing all our problems. Each problem being a different Thetan – must get quite crowded in my bod sometimes! The whole goal of this religion seems to be to oust the trouble causing Thetans from our persons in order to attain some sort of Nirvana, with the use of auditing members and using a mood meter. Then there was a bit about further brainwashing of humans when we die on Venus, before hitting the return to Earth button, but it was all too much for me by then and I fell asleep. At some point, when all these really strange guys realise that they’ve been taken for a ride on the biggest funky train in the universe, it will have to go down in history as the most successful April Fools joke Ever! And there was me thinking that a sentient chicken might be a little over the top. Rock on Ron L Hubbard! Sci-fi really does rule the world.
Wow! It looks like I’m on the right road to world domination now – better get me some mind-bending medication, and get to seeing what truths are revealed, so I can then get me some congregation and make billions. Ha haaaaa! What a crazy world we live on, with all the poverty, cruelty, and sadness growing, while hundreds of thousands of nutters spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on such foolishness. Anyway.