Ode to the Story Reading Ape

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Thank you Chris! I’d forgotten about this Ode to the Librarians Cousin (You!). I’m reposting it in honour of you and your hero, and with the request that no charges be filed for the damages. Here’s to Discworld fanfic – why not!?

This tiny tale is dedicated to Chris, the Librarian’s cousin (and our much belovedThe Story Reading Ape), to thank him for his friendship, and also by way of snivelling apology for almost calling him a man, and getting myself into a pickle.

The Story Reading Ape

Washgale cowered under the gooseberry bush. He’d been innocently sipping a quarter of ale in the Dodgy Guitar, when a huge ma-, monk-, er, ape, had crashed through the window, clutching a terrified scribe under his arm. The patrons scattered, as you do when confronted with such pointy fangs. The ape found who he was looking for at the piano, mellowly humming along to the tune of A Crone Is Not a Crone Unless You Have Your Spectacles On.

Washgale had watched from the safety of the chandelier, as the cousins agreed that humans in general had been given enough chances to figure out the names. Then the battery began. The scribe was summarily inserted, upside-down, into a barrel of pickled turnips, her whining about deadlines and Twitter instantly silenced. Within minutes, every human started running for their lives. The gnomes looked on, picking their noses as always, and the fairies pranced in and out, poking an eyeball here, and pinching a bum there. It wasn’t often that they got to unleash their darker desires with impunity.

Finally Washgale took pity on the scribe. She had surfaced from the barrel, and was trying to remove the small turnip from her left nostril, while yelling, “Oi! I’ve got emails!” He looked at his only companion on the chandelier, who was laughing heartily at the scene below, and trying to hit the scribe on the forehead with beautifully aimed gobs of hot candle-wax.

“What are you?” asked Washgale, pinching his nose so as not to breathe in the ripe smell emanating from what looked like a cross between a really huge hairy rat and Satan. It looked at him.

“I am Nyami,” the thing replied, sipping its warm lager, “I am the Tokoloshi. My mother was a really huge hairy rat, and my father was the devil.

“Oh,” said Washgale, before suddenly finding himself under a gooseberry bush. He peered at the cottage it was growing beside, and realised that he was in Gummy Vamps back garden.

“Oh crap,” he said.

“Not under my gooseberry bush please,” said a reddish voice behind him.

Washgale ran as fast as his hairy legs could carry him, knowing that his chance of finding enough bananas to rescue the scribe was zero, when he ran headlong into a banana tree. He picked a hand, peeled one of the yellowly yellow fruit, and ate it.

“Hmmm,” he said, settling down under the tree to eat, ignoring the faint screams in the distance before the gurgle signifying a reinsertion into the pickle barrel.

“Facebook! I’ve got to get to Facebook!”

“Bloody scribes,” he muttered, “They’re all over the place these days.

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11 thoughts on “Ode to the Story Reading Ape

    philipparees said:
    March 16, 2015 at 5:29 pm

    Only writing here because I can’t leave a liking to my liking. Scribes used pottery shards when they were called Sappho ( see I can still remember from yesterday) so I have another kind of Alzheimer, just one that drops words like a tree drops leaves, when its good and ready and when the wind blows. Tell that to the Ape when you catch him dieting. It won’t put hairs on his chest. Besides we all like his chest just as it is.

    Liked by 1 person

      Connie Flanagan said:
      March 22, 2015 at 12:36 am

      My father used to tell my sisters and me that eating the crusts on our toast would put hairs on out chests. I was the only one who thought that might be appealing. ;-D

      Like

    The Story Reading Ape said:
    March 16, 2015 at 5:53 pm

    Reblogged this on Chris The Story Reading Ape's Blog and commented:
    In case you missed it first time round, Jo kindly penned this some time ago – what a lovely, versatile and talented a Lady she is 😀

    Liked by 3 people

    michaelphelps1 said:
    March 16, 2015 at 6:23 pm

    Reblogged this on Michaelphelps1's Blog and commented:
    Thank you Jo Robinson for this well deserved Ode to our Friend and Mentor, CHRIS and his Right Hand, The Story Reading Ape!!

    Liked by 1 person

    michaelphelps1 said:
    March 16, 2015 at 6:25 pm

    I LOVED THIS! Thanks, Jo Robinson!

    Applause for our well deserving friend and mentor, CHRIS GRAHAM and his right hand, The Story Reading Ape!

    Liked by 1 person

    Cynthia Reyes said:
    March 16, 2015 at 6:52 pm

    I love this, Jo. Thanks for the laugh.

    Liked by 1 person

    Let's CUT the Crap! said:
    March 16, 2015 at 9:25 pm

    This is a delightful and witty romp of a story, Jo. Great character and personality as well. 😀 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    davidprosser said:
    March 17, 2015 at 12:23 am

    Brilliant, I’ll buy it.
    xxx Massive Hugs xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    theowllady said:
    March 18, 2015 at 3:19 am

    Reblogged this on theowlladyblog.

    Liked by 1 person

    Kev said:
    March 19, 2015 at 11:16 pm

    Reblogged this on Great Indie Authors and commented:
    How did I miss this the first time around? Nice one Jo! As for the story reading ape, all I can say is… go bananas everybody! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    Connie Flanagan said:
    March 22, 2015 at 12:41 am

    Thanks, Jo. Excellent story! I had to look up Nyami and Tokoloshi, but I couldn’t find the song “A Crone is Not a Crone…” Did you make that hilarious title up, or is it a real song?

    Like

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