amazon reviews

Stanley’s Review

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Stanley’s Review

“Stanley. Where the hell’s my tea?”

Stanley flinched, but couldn’t tear his eyes from the glowing screen in front of him. The excitement of realising that someone had posted a review of his book, the book that had taken him ten years to write, had been quenched when he saw the single lonely star, and read the scathing words.

From George Witherall
Not only do I regret ever laying eyes on this appalling book, I also regret looking at this author’s profile to see what manner of fool could write so badly, and coming face to face with the ugliest man alive. Load of rubbish. The only recommendation that I could give for this trash would be incineration.


“Yes Mother. I’m coming!”

The cold shock of reading his very first book review had rendered him incapable of movement. The rage that now filled him as he clicked away, looking for more information on George Witherall, threatened to blow the top of his head off. What had he ever done to this person? What sort of thing was that to say about his book? Had he even read it? And how dare he comment on his appearance? In a few minutes he was looking at his foul detractor’s Facebook page. Scrolling down, he sneered at the smiling, handsome face. And then with a shock, he realised that he recognised it.

“Stanley. You bastard!”

“Bloody hell,” he muttered, leaping from his chair and heading to the kitchen.

He looked around the immaculate room. His kitchen now. He’d been born in this very place forty seven years ago, he’d been told. Smiling, he remembered gleefully setting about scrubbing it from top to bottom on the day his mother had finally taken to her bed properly a few months back. Dirty old woman. He adjusted his red bow tie, still smarting from such terrible insults being so casually posted on an international book vending site, for all the world to see.

Scowling, trying to remember where he recognised that face from, he measured three spoons of Earl Grey into the teapot. He carefully placed four chocolate digestives on a side plate, and then it hit him. Of course! George Witherall’s face had lately been plastered on billboards all over town. He owned the new department store on West street.

Stanley rushed back to his desk and dialled enquiries. Soon, after a few short rings, a melodious voice answered.

“Mr Witherall’s office. How may I help you?”

“Is he in?”

“Yes Sir. Who may I say—.”

He hastily disconnected, and rushed to his room.

“Stanley. My tea. What’r you doing you bloody little shi—!”

The kettle clicked off and the tea remained unmade. Stanley was loading his .38.


More On Amazon Reviews

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I follow different blogs for different reasons. Some for indie writer news and views, some for the weird and the wacky, or poetry, painting, Africa, humour, GF recipes, science….. You get the picture, I’m sure. Most – not all I hasten to add – don’t religiously stay on their topic of choice, and some bloggers blog about wildly different things every day. It used to worry me a little that I fit into this last category. I’d look at the very professional sites of some of my fellow writers, who write only on subject or about their own or other authors books, and I’d think that maybe I’m sharing too many personal tidbits, not to mention looking a bit like an oddball with my occasional forays into the mysterious and unknown. How could readers take me seriously? Well.

I have no idea.

But I don’t think I’m about to change any time soon. Personally, being very serious, and blogging every day about only books and writing would send me into a downward spiral of despair, leading to a meltdown and absinthe in bed, no doubt. So.

In my ongoing Reviews of Amazon Reviews, I give you these two awesome and most helpful ones, found while trawling online for books on how to paint, and ending up in some sort of hardware department.

banana slicer
20,402 of 20,715 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Saved my marriage July 30, 2012
By Mrs Toledo
What can I say about the 571B Banana Slicer that hasn’t already been said about the wheel, penicillin, or the iPhone…. this is one of the greatest inventions of all time. My husband and I would argue constantly over who had to cut the day’s banana slices. It’s one of those chores NO ONE wants to do! You know, the old “I spent the entire day rearing OUR children, maybe YOU can pitch in a little and cut these bananas?” and of course, “You think I have the energy to slave over your damn bananas? I worked a 12 hour shift just to come home to THIS?!” These are the things that can destroy an entire relationship. It got to the point where our children could sense the tension. The minute I heard our 6-year-old girl in her bedroom, re-enacting our daily banana fight with her Barbie dolls, I knew we had to make a change. That’s when I found the 571B Banana Slicer. Our marriage has never been healthier, AND we’ve even incorporated it into our lovemaking. THANKS 571B BANANA SLICER!

Like the Banana Slicer on Facebook if you feel you must.

5.0 out of 5 stars Wonderful Pens, Especially for the price, September 21, 2012
Vitaly D. (New York, NY) – See all my reviews
Amazon Verified Purchase(What’s this?)
This review is from: BIC Cristal Stic Ball Pen, Medium Point , 1.0 mm, Black, 12 Pens (MS11-Blk) (Office Product)
My girlfriend turned me on to these pens after she saw that I often lost my more expensive pens. These pens write very smoothly, and give off an air of seriousness which helps me to focus and get work done. I ordered these online after I was having some trouble finding them in stores. I will definiatly be purchasing these again if and when I have lost these guys.

And for no apparent reason, Mars gives Curiosity Rover the finger.

Till next time friends. xxx