A Twinkly Twilight Shade of Black Mixed with a Whitish Sort of Colour – Tale – Thingy – and with MERMAIDS!!!
I’ve fallen properly off the social networking wagon over the past couple of months. This hasn’t been because of laziness or lack of interest – socializing online gives me lots of jollies, so for me it’s not any sort of hardship. Life behaved so whackadoodle out there crazy for a while that apart from leaving me rather speechless in horrified awe of the very levels of nuts that life can occasionally reach, there wasn’t much time for anything other than trying to keep up with damage control in the chaos. Now I’m done with the gaga stuff, most definitely and absolutely done with that, and about to get back up on that online happy wagon. I’m going to have to do something that pains me though. There is no way I can do my usual backwards catch up of everyone’s blogs and tweets this time, so I’m going to do one mighty zoom back as far as I can go and then I’m going to have to delete all the notifications currently in my GMail social column.
I should be able to catch up with the Primary emails and everything else fairly quickly with a bit of luck and elbow grease, but if there was anything that anyone particularly wanted me to see I’d be very grateful if you would zoom a link over to my Contact Me page. Also, I’m using Edge as my browser now because Chrome crashed and now just doesn’t open at all, and it feels really weird in general. I missed sharing my really, really scary Halloween story with you on the actual day, so I’ll share it now instead, and yes, it really is very silly. Mermaids in Zimbabwe aren’t sexy half fishies by the way. They’re horrible dervish things that have a penchant for drowning people. This tale isn’t really about them at all though – that’s why it’s so particularly scary.
Fan Fic Tail
“There are mermaids in this lake,” said the driver of the tourist truck unusually covered in dayglo lime green zebra fake fur.
Even though he didn’t believe in mermaids, Edward felt a tremorlicious frisson of excitement pass through him. He bit his lip.
“Gee!” he said, biting his lip some more, and feeling a further frisson twinkle from his toes to his right elbow, and then excitingly on to his spleen, as he imagined an actual mermaid biting his lip instead. “Gosh!”
The driver looked at him in an excitingly derogatory way. Another frisson! Liver this time. Golly!
“These mermaids will KILL you!” said the vehicular operator. “African mermaids LIKE to kill soft boys like you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Edward giggled, and bit his lip.
“Oooo!” he said.
“Rubbish,” said the strangely twinkly young lady sitting beside Edward.
He turned and looked at her properly for the first time. He bit his lip. Gosh, but she was so – so SHINY! He didn’t think that he could even DEAL with another frisson today! WOW!
“You are WRONG Miss-. Miss Anastasia,” said the motor wrangling purveyor of legendary – stuff.
“I am BELLA!” gasped she. “How do you know the name of my HAMSTER?”
“Gee!” said Edward, biting his lip. Even MORE frissons!
“I know MANY things,” said the steering-wheel handler, tapping the third eyelash from the left on his right eye, and rotating his right ear. “MANY THINGS, I TELL YOU!!!!!”
“Gosh!” said Edward. He nibbled his lip. Then sucked it a bit. He bit his lip.
“SHUTTUP Christian!” said Bella, reaching over and twisting his nose while inserting her fourteen inch thumbnail into his nostril, and throwing her orange juice into his lap. Also her doughnut. And an elderly Chanel lipstick.
“OOOO!” frissoned Edward. “I’m EDWARD!!!!! NOT CHRISTIAN! Golly!!!”
He really wished he could bite his nose himself. Frisson upon frisson! He imagined Anastasia Bella biting his nose. WOWSER! He bit his lip.
“DO YOU PEOPLE EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE?!” whispered the sixteen fingered man in the back row, brandishing a toffee apple on a stick made from the seventh branch from the exact top of a particular Mopani tree which was home to exactly two thousand four hundred and one Mopani worms. And a single thousand and two year old tsetse fly incessantly plagued with insectual hives. He made the sign of the hamster, JUST IN CASE, and turned his right thigh left and right five times, and then right and left two and a half times. Precisely.
Edward bit his lip.
“STOP THAT!” intoned Bella, squirting her grapefruit into his left eyeball. “I’m really going to HURT you!”
“Ooooh!” said Edward. “Gosh!”
He bit his lip.
A piece of toffee apple and an aged tsetse fly fell scratchingly into his lap.
My poor blog has grown cobwebs during this last rotten week. My parrot is better than he was, but still not nearly right yet. I had to give him the medication that I really didn’t want to. I honestly thought he was close to death, and sometimes even if a cure is hard, you still have to try. I couldn’t get to my computer though. He refused to be left alone, and insisted on trying to follow. Then because he was so weak, he kept falling down, so I gave up and went to the lounge where there was no chance of the poor guy hitting the deck. The rest of the horde were strangely silent, all just hanging around him, with no tail pulling at all. I think they knew just how bad things were.
Apart from having to boil everything that the birds sit on or sleep in, in vinegar water every day – realistically the whole house is their oyster, I’ve had about twelve hours sleep all week, trying to make sure that he didn’t rip his wounds open at night. Now I feel like I’ve gone a couple of rounds with Mike Tyson, and keep on nodding off. He’s had a couple of small bleeds, but now he’s definitely out of the woods, and I’ve got bags of other drugs to treat the rest of the horde, so hopefully disaster’s been averted. I must say, it feels good to be back here, and thank you to my lovely friends for your well wishes and concern! I really appreciate it so much that you care.
On the scribbling front, I spotted a press release from Amazon in my inbox. I’ve never tried writing fan-fiction before, but after reading this, it seems kind of exciting, so when I’m up to date (in around 2019 I would imagine), I’m going to have a go. A couple of years ago I thought that this sort of thing was really just plagiarism, but I’m thinking that it really can’t be with the original author’s blessing, and it sounds like a bit of fun. Not to mention sharing the royalties with the big wigs. You could name drop too. “My co-writer Barbra Annino says….”, sort of thing. After reading a few different takes on some of the old classics, I’ve warmed to this a little also. I enjoyed the modern sequel to Gone With The Wind, and some of the old fairy tales have been reworked brilliantly. Others not so much, but never mind, that’s not the point of the day.
The stories that are in the game so far are:
Pretty Little Liars: Stained by Barbra Annino
The Vampire Diaries: The Arrival by Lauren Barnholdt & Aaron Gorvine
Shadowman: Salvation Sally by Tom King
The Foreworld Saga: The Qian by Aric Davis
X-O Manowar: Noughts and Crosses by Stuart Moore
I haven’t seen or read any of these yet, so I’ll lurk around and see what else pops up, but I thought some of you might want to have a bash at legally sharing dollars with the rich and famous. Sounds like a win win situation to me.
Till next time friends.