Recipe

Dayglo Uncooked Green Chilli Sauce – Condiment – Weaponised

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I’ve been meaning to share my chilli sauce recipe with you for a while, and now that I’m having my second miraculous straight day at my computer I’ll have at it. This is a very malleable and forgiving recipe – it’s also great fun. Just don’t fiddle around with your eyeballs for a bit afterwards.
Ingredients:
Apple Cider Vinegar (around 2 cups for this batch)
Juice of 2 fat lemons (or more – you can change with vinegar as per your own preference)
1 Whole head of garlic – peeled and chopped
2 Chopped medium onions
About a finger-length chopped Lemongrass (optional)
1 teaspoon Salt (or to taste)
4 to 5 Cups snipped green Chillies
You’ll need a blender for this recipe.
I suggest using empty, unwashed Vodka bottles for storage to begin with.
A funnel
Method:
1. Put the lemon juice, salt, half of the vinegar, the garlic, onions, and lemongrass in the blender.
2. Using scissors, snip the chillies straight into the blender – that way you don’t touch them too much.
3. Have a squiz at the liquid level.
4. Add more vinegar and/or extra lemon juice to top of chillies.
5. Blend until smooth, pulsating, glowing, and bubbling surreally.

Green Chilli Sauce

6. Pour two thirds of the way up in your alcoholic bottles using a funnel. If it overflows and lands on your toes – it will burn your toes – just saying.
7. Put a couple of tablespoons of yoghurt into a cup (for sticking your tongue into after the next step)
8. Pour some into a teaspoon and taste.
9. Stick your tongue in the cup of yoghurt, wipe your eyes and blow your nose.
10. Adjust seasoning or add liquid as desired.
11. Store in fridge – it just gets better. My two year old vintage is absolute mellow chilli gold.
12. Decant bits into cute and innocuous looking containers to gift to less favoured unsuspecting relatives (if you can stand to share). Tell them it’s a special mild piquant sauce that you made just for them. Put cute bows on them for emphasis on cute.

Bottle of Chilli Sauce with Bow Tie

This sauce can be as hot or as mild as you like. I generally make large batches – some all green and some all red, and then I fiddle with them over the next couple of weeks, mixing them with each other and adjusting the seasonings or adding more liquid. They’re generally hot as Hades for a couple of days when still fresh, but they mellow and develop character over time like the finest of wines. Keep them in the fridge. I like to make loads because they really are at their best six months to a year later – just give the bottles a little shake and a sniff (what sinus issues?) a couple of times a week.

Chillies Mozambique Bastardo

For this innocent looking batch, I used a mixture of Bullet, Jalapeno, New Mexico, and Mozabique Bastardos, so for my taste it’s pretty mild, although those little green Bastardos will blow the teeth out of your face if you eat them alone – I only added fifteen of them to this recipe.
The garlic and the onion form the base for the sauce, and create the flavour to enhance and make the bite all the more pleasurable. Don’t worry about this sauce going bad – there’s not many germs in the universe that could hang around in those bottles and live.
For those among you who are sissies (no insult intended – maybe 😀 ) you can add a couple of chopped green peppers. This makes for a wonderfully mild sauce, with just a tiny kick. For those masters of heat though, feel free to lob in a Habanero or three, or Scotch Bonnet – but remember – the Ghost Chilli is pretty demonic, and can actually kill you you I think, so tread lightly with that one.

Raw Chillies

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Princess – Portable Sin Buns

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It’s amazing with how busy you get, you forget your early blogging days, where you sat glued to your monitor with bulging out eyes and sticking out tongue, waiting desperately for someone to LIKE what you’ve written. Then that crestfallen disappointment when nobody does – even though you’ve only got three followers and two of them are your aunties. I must say that I love this bloggerverse more every day, and all the wonderful warm people I now get to call friend. Anyway, I suddenly remembered one of my first posts in those old shy days when the writing always seemed stilted, and you felt like you were peering in people’s windows and reciting poetry to them without an invitation, waiting for the laughter and jeering to begin. And then you find out that bloggers don’t generally roll that way – that they’re a pretty cool bunch after all. Anyway. Now I want to practice rescheduling posts on WordPress, so I shall inflict it on you. This post was “written” by Princess – Suzette’s cook in African Me & Satellite TV.

Ahem.

I have decided to share with you, a very simple chicken and prawn dish.  You can serve it with rice if you wish, or do as I do, and fill buttered buns with it.

I do not eat chicken.  I have seen that it is the one of God’s creatures that has been given the most hardships, and receives the most cruelty.  I have arranged with God that I will not eat any sort of bird, unless he can show me in some way that it is the reborn spirit of one of those cruel people, who care so little of the pain of animals, and so much for the making of money.  The bones of such a bird, I will crunch with relish!

I also do not eat prawns.  Mr Herman once brought four lobsters home from Harare for me to cook.  These creatures jumped to the floor, and caused much terror for myself and Felix.  That cat had his nose crunched very painfully until I pushed that beast off with a broom.  I do not wish to see such things again, and I will certainly not eat the flesh of their cousins.

So I see you ask, how then can you cook something if you cannot taste it?  I will tell you what I have been told by madam and all of her many friends. That my cooking is always perfect.  Why should I not believe this, when I can see that it is true?

I make many things which I cannot taste.  Cocktails for instance.  Obviously I do not drink alcohol, as I am a good Christian woman. But only once did I create a drink which was not very highly praised.  Madam’s friends had especially enjoyed my Pickled Onion & Gherkin Martini, so I thought – what about garlic?  That was thought to be my one failure. But after thinking myself about this, and remembering how Mr Collie had spat it on to the shirt of Mr Herman, who then fell from his chair, and caused Mr Themba to cry very loudly, I believe maybe it was not such a terrible drink after all.

 

PORTABLE SIN BUNS

I make these for Mr Herman to take when he goes fishing on his boat with his friends.  He says that they are so good, they have to be bad, so he calls them Portable Sin Buns.

500g Chicken Breasts – sliced into thin strips


500g Prawns, cleaned & peeled

–  Boil their heads and shells in 150ml water for 15 minutes & strain

1 Tablespoon Grated Onion

1 Grated Clove Garlic

1 Teaspoon Tomato Paste

Salt & Pepper

2 Tablespoons Garam Masala

Oil

Mayonnaise

Chopped Parsley

Shredded Lettuce

Buttered Bread Rolls

 

Brown the chicken with the garam masala, onion & garlic in a little oil.

Quickly add the prawn stock, tomato paste.

Allow to reduce until most of the liquid has gone.

Add the prawns and parsley and cook till done.

Season with salt & pepper to taste & add as much mayonnaise as you wish.

Spread the lettuce on a buttered roll and fill up with the chicken & prawn mixture.

Eat.